Starting over
by spacedout86
Summary: While seeking comfort the night before the war, Hermione discovers that a certain someone won't make it out alive. HGSS
1. Default chapter

She was shocked. Yes, lying was what he was often required to do, but why would he lie about that? Why would he sell them false hope that everything would turn out all right for everyone?

"What do you mean they'll die? You told the Order that –" she started to ask, but he cut in.

"I bloody well know what I told the Order. It wasn't on a need to know basis so I didn't tell them. It wouldn't have changed anyhting."

"Of course it would!" She only halfed believe what she was saying. He was right, it probably wouldn't have changed anything except add another worry on their hands.

"So, if Voldemort dies," she asked "all the Death Eaters... will die?" He nodded somberly.

"But why?" She didn't want to believe it. It wasn't fair that he would die if they won.

Snape sighed, annoyed. Trust the smartest student to ask as many questions as she could. But he knew this had nothing to do with being smart and knowing everything. This had everything to do with being desperate and hanging on to any last glimpse of hope. But why should it matter to her that the greasy bat of the dungeons wouldn't make it out of the war wether they won or lost? Well, whatever the reason may be, it did matter to her.

"Because of the Dark Mark. The Dark Lord wanted to be sure that he took his followers with him if he died. So if he does, all the Death Eathers will go down with him, because they swore alliegance to him and have a mark proving they did." As if reading her mind he added, "It doesn't matter that I betrayed him and am no longer one of his followers. I stil have the Mark and that's all it takes."

She lowered her head in defeat. It wasn't fair. Whatever happened, he would die. Wether by a spell or because they failed and Voldemort killed him or even if they won, he would die. In the next twenty four hours, he would probably be dead. Tears welled up in her eyes, it wasn't fair, he had payed for what he'd done. He had suffered the consequences of his actions over and over again. All for nothing.

He lifted her chin so that he was staring right into her tear-filled eyes. "Do not grieve for me Hermione, grieve for the others that will be lost in this war. Pray there will be few."

Before she could help herself she wrapped her arms around him and cried into his chest. Severus was quite suprised but recovered quickly and put his arms around her aswell. He held on tightly, knowing she was probably the last thing he'd ever hold on to.


	2. Getting Ready

A/N: Yay for me! I finally updated! Sorry it took so long, I've been really busy (read: lazy). but anyway, here's chapter 2! Thanks to all those who reviewed! Cheers for queenofdiamonds1, the first person to review! applause I've not avery angsty writer so this story will lighten up alot in 2 or 3 chapters. So happy-story-people come forth! grin

Disclaimer: Woops, forgot to do that in the first chapter. Anywho, don't own nothin'. It all belongs to the brilliant J.K.R. The plot's mine though. I didn't see another one along the same lines as where this one's going but if there is: I didn't steal your idea! Promise!

Edit : I changed Hermione's time 'till graduation from three weeks to five. It makes more sense later on in the story.

* * *

Hermione stayed awake long into the night, thinking. Over the past few years she had developped a larger respect for the Potions Master, she had learned to see him differently. At some point she thought she might have deeper feelings for him, but of course, she never told anyone. So she kept it quiet. But before long her "feelings" for him were really going over board. She couldn't stop thinking about him, she had to try very hard not to keep staring at him, when he passed by her heart beat were go crazy, she was obsessed.

So now she was _sure_ she felt deeply for her professor. She couldn't help it, there was just something about him...

But what did that matter now? Tomorrow he would be dead. She felt the tears come up in her eyes again but willed herself not to cry. She had to be strong, crying never solved anything. Oh, but why did it have to end like that? She would have graduated in only five weeks and left far behind the student-teacher relationship, she wouldn't need it anymore. She could have known him in a more personnal setting, without having to worry about getting caught. _You've got to stop thinking about it, it'll only make things worse for you._ Finally deciding she should get some rest, she climbed into bed, exhausted, yet restless.

* * *

Severus paced around his office, frustrated. A small voice inside his head was cursing him for lying to Dumbledore, reminding him what it had led to last time. _Does it really make a differece now?_ Probably not, but it didn't help the nagging at the back of his head.

He knew he shouldn't be upset about the outcome if the Dark Lord died tomorrow. It would make things so much easier for the Ministry, they wouldn't have any Death Eaters to run after. Yet, he still felt like he was leaving something behind if the left. Something he would miss a lot. But what could he possibly miss? It's not that he hated his job, but it's not exactly something he'd die to keep. So what was he leaving behind? _Her._ He stopped pacing. No, he couldn't, wouldn't allow himself to have feelings for her. He was her professor for God's sake! _Nor for long, she graduates in a few weeks._ But it doesn't matter any more damn it! Nothing does!

He fell into a chair, head in his hands. Why did she have to come and make things more complicated for him?

All of a sudden an ear-splitting alarm sounded through the halls. Severus nearly jumped to the ceiling in suprise. They weren't supposed to attack until tomorrow. _No time for questions, get moving!_ Grabbing his wits about him he ran out, not bothering to close any doors behind him. This was it.

* * *

It seemed Hermione had only just managed to close her eyes when the alarm sounded in the school. Willing herself not to panic, she grabbed her wand off her bedside table and ran. The war had begun.

* * *

Dumbledore waited in the Great Hall for the others to arrive. A few of the older students had been instructed to bring the 1st through 5th years to a safer place. Those who were almost done their time at school would be fighting along with the Order and the numerous Aurors that had been summoned. For the past few months the headmaster himself had been training Harry Potter so he would be ready for the war, so he would win.

Hermione arrived first and joined the other students who would take part in battle. Harry and Ron were already there and waiting for her. She gave them each a friendly hug and wished them good luck, they were all going to need it.

Only a few seconds later, Snape arrived and reported to the headmaster. "Would you like me to fight or shall I bring the younger students to safety?" he asked. In his mind he was begging Albus to let him fight. He wanted to be there to see him fall, even if it was the last thing he ever saw, it was worth it.

"You will fight and watch over those who are less experienced." Dumbledore glanced only momentarilly at the obviously nervous students and the younger man understood. Nodding, Snape walked over next to the other teachers, waiting. _This is it_, he thought, mentally giving himself a pep-talk_, this is the last time you'll ever fight, so make it count. Make sure you're the only one on Dumbledore's side that perishes in the war. Look at them, they're terrified, you __need__ to protect them you got that? Look out for her especially, you don't want anything to happen to her._

All of a sudden, a flame appeared in their midst, it disappeared, leaving place to a single golden feather. All eyes turned to Dumbledore, awaiting orders. "Let us go out and meet them. Aurors and teachers in the frong, students in the back. Mr. Potter, you will stay with me."

They all did as they were told and all too soon they were facin the Death Eaters. They parted to from a passage for their leader. Voldemort stepped forward and asked for Snape. The latter walked up, a look of pure hatred etched all over his face.

"It's not too late to come back you know," the Dark Lord started, "I'll welcome you back if you're smart enough to come." The was a moment of silence, and then, to everyone's (except the Death Eaters) suprise, Severus's expression softened and he walked toward the enemy.


	3. Risking it all

A/N:Hi again! Here's chappie 3. Hope you enjoy. 

A/N2: Sorry if I wasn't clear in the last chapter, when I say that "Snape walked towards the enemy" I mean he's going to Voldemort.

Disclaimer: Don't own zilch. Big suprise. Once you're done being so terribly shocked please enjoy.

* * *

Hermione felt her heart stop. What was he doing? She quickly scolded herself for such thoughts, of course he wasn't joining them. But then what _was_ he doing? She willed herself to remain calm. He was just toying with them, that's all.

Severus took his time. He was in no hurry what-so-ever. A little voice inside his head was scolding him, yet again, for being so risky. He was improvising. He'd never really thought that Voldemort would allow him to come back. That idiot! As if he'd ever go there again. He felt like taking his wand out right now and blasting the bastart to the next millenium. But he would give him an answer first.

He stopped only a few feet from the Dark Lord and stared him in the eyes. Those red pitiless doors to the hell that was inside. He knew the dark wizard was confident he would join him. He could tell. But that wasn't what was going to happen. He wouldn't give in again. He would insult him in his own fashion.

He spat at his feet.

Snape could almost hear the collective intake of breath amonst the Death Eaters as he smirked at their leader. Oh how he enjoyed doing that. The feeling he got from it was priceless.

"If you ever thought, for even a second, that I would go back to serving you, then you're an even bigger fool than I thought. And you're were high enough to begin with."

He was sure he could smell the anger coming off the said-fool. He was playing with his life and he knew it. But it was worth it just to see the look and Malfoy Senior's face.

"You're asking for death!" the man yelled. Snape smirked.

"Only yours." He said, barely above a whisper, just loud enough so he could hear him. If Lucious was angry before it was nothing compared to now. Before anyone could process what had just happened the was a red flash of light that came out of Malfoy's wand and blasted toward Severus. The spell bounced off his shielding-charm and the battle began.

* * *

In years to come, those who had taken part in thelegendary second Voldemort war will mostly all describe in the same simple way: chaos, utter chaos. No one knew where anyone else was. No one knew what was going on. The only thing anyone could know is who they were fighting and even then, it was hard to tell through the numerous spells flying everywhere. 

Hermione was fighting fiercly with a hooded Death Eater. A minute ago she was a nervous wreck, but now she was runing on pure adrenaline. She expertedly launched spell upon spell at her attacker and dodged just as many. Just as things were starting to look up for her, another enemy came up from behind her and hit her with the cruciatus curse.

Every inch of her body was burning, knives were cutting into her skin, every one of her bones was breaking apart. She couldn't think anymore, couldn't scream, couldn't breathe. All that existed was the pain taking over her.

All of a sudden, it left, as fast as it had come, it was gone. Quickly remembering where she was, Hermione shot her eyes open and looked behind her. Her attacker was still there but before she could wonder why he had stopped he fell forward, dead. The other thing she noticed was that it was quiet. There were no more people yelling curses everywhere. She gasped as she realized what happened.

She quickly got up and looked around. Everywhere, Death Eaters were falling, all of them dead. She searched frantically through the crowds for Severus and when she found him, her breath cought in her throat.

He was still standing. His eyes were wide open in suprise, or fear, or both. But he wasn't seeing anything. Flashes from his life as a Death Eater werespeeding before his eyes. Memories of every horrible and evil thing he'd ever done. Flashes of what others had done, of all the torture and pain so many people had gone through.

Hermione watched, just like everyone else, horrified. He stood there for a long time until he fell to his knees and screamed, his head in his hand. It was a scream that would remain in the memory of every present person all their lives. It was utter fear, desperation, anger and loss.

Before anyone could react or even move, he fell to the ground and didn't get back up.


	4. Traitor

A/N : SORRY! I know, I know, it took me _forever_ to update and I'm really sorry! Please don't hate me! I will not bore you with excuses because I know that nothing I can say will make up for what I did! SORRY!

Disclaimer: Anything/anyone you might recodnize (I _know_ I didn't spell that right) does not belong to me, they all belong to J.K. Rowling. All I own is the plot.

(thoughts are in italics)

* * *

She couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but just look at him. _He's dead._ The though echoed in her mind. She couldn't believe it, wouldn't believe it. It wasn't fair! She could feel the tears running freely down her face but did nothing to stop them. _Maybe he's still alive... maybe it didn't work._ As weak as the thought was, she believed it. It's all she could do, believe. She ran over to him, fell to his side, hesitated. What if he really was dead? _No! He can't be! He has to be alive!_ She reached out a trembling hand towards his neck and placed her fingers along his throat, feeling for a pulse.

"Please... please..." she wispered, hoping, praying that some high power would hear her. She waited a long time, longer than it would take for her to know if he was alive. Nothing. Her whole arm was shaking now. She moved her fingers a little, making sure she was at the right spot, and waited.

Then she felt it, a small wave passing below her fingers. Her heart stopped. Was it possible? She waited some more, and felt it again. _He's alive..._ he was alive... She should tell the others, they could still save him. But she couldn't think, she was numbstruck. _He's alive..._ "He's alive..." she wispered, hardly daring to believe it. She was sure now, she could feel his pulse for sure. "He's alive..." a little louder. Her mind still wouldn't allow her to believe it... he told her he would die... but he was alive.

Finally it hit her, like a bolt of lighting, it finally sunk in. He was alive! "He's alive!" She yelled, taking her eyes off to look around. Dumbledore was rushing forward. "Are you sure?" he asked. A part of her mind was saying no, she pushed it away. "Yes, he has a pulse."

In no time, Albus had magicked Severus on a stretcher and rushed into the castle.

Hermione didn't move, she remained there, on her knees, staring at where his face had been. He was alive. Those three short words had started a fire withing her, new hope, that it wasn't over yet. But even as she thought of it, she could feel a heavy rain beating on her fire. He was alive, but he was dying. If they didn't do anything for him he would die, no doubt about it.

She jumped to her feet and ran to the Hospital Wing. She had to know if there was still hope, if it was still possible to save him.

* * *

The Hospital Wing was packed with people when she got there. She dearly hoped most of them were just there to watch over a friend. The though of so many people hurt, dying, or dead scared her. She hadn't even had time to realize Voldemort was dead yet. It was over, the endless list of people being killed, the secrets, the waiting in the dark, not knowing what was going on, it was all over.

She kept walking, looking around to see where Severus was. Her relief to know that he was alive was hidden under various layers of worry. He was alive but how long would he stay that way? Finally she spotted him in a corner, Dumbledore was watching while Madam Pomfrey performed several diagnostic spells on him. Hermione hurried forward, she just had to see him, didn't know why, but she had to. Albus spotted her and came to join her before she got too close.

"Miss Granger, you shouldn't be here." Technically, she had every right to, but he knew that she wouldn't like what she would hear.

"Please sir, is he alright?" He didn't answer at first and she grew worried, the twinkling in the old Headmaster's eyes was gone and had been replace by a fog that overshadowed them.

"We are doing everything we can for him, but I need you to understand that his chances are slim." Hermione bit her lip and didn't say anything. Dumbledore continued. "I need you to tell me what Severus told you."

Mustering up her courage, she told him everything.

* * *

While his body had received no damage at all, Severus' mind was spinning down a black abyss, going over all that he saw, all that he'd done, all that he was.

A group of Death Eaters was entering a house. It was dark, all the occupants were asleep. Silently they each entered a room and killed whoever was inside. While the light from the spell was present,Severus could see the look of suprise and fear on the child who died a moment later.

_He was just a child..._

The Dark Lord was asking him if he wanted to join him. To rid the world of those who were unworthy, of the filth that had no right to breathe the same air as pure wizards, of those who dared call themselves magic yet had no magical heritage. He said yes. The Dark Mark was burned onto his skin and he was forever stained.

_Forever hated..._

James Potter was dead, as was Lily. It was his fault. He had revealed the prophecy, and in doing so had killed the one person who ever stood up for him.

_I never wanted her to die... I just wanted Potter to pay... just wanted revenge..._

Voldemort was back from the dead. Back to haunt them all and bring his followers back. Severus was now a spy, for both the Order and the Dark Lord. Made to come up with excuses and fear for his life at every Death Eater meeting.

_Always had to come back... still had to kill..._

He was discovered as a traitor. They tortured him for a long time. Never even giving him time to breathe between curses. Somehow he made it out, and was forever a traitor to both men he had served.

_Traitor... all I ever was... all I'll ever be..._

_Traitor..._

* * *

A/N: Hm, not exactly how I wanted it to turn out. Ah well. Sorry again for taking such a long time! Please forgive me :(

REVIEW! (if you don't hate me... heck even if you do hate me)


	5. Wake

A/N: I can't even begin to apologize for how long it took me to post this... I hope you'll forgive me enough to read it and tell me what you think. Thanks so much to all of you who reviewed my last chapter, you're the reason I finally wrote chapter number 5!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, just the plot.

* * *

"It's much too risky Albus, it's never been tried on a wizard before."

"But I'm afraid we're out of options Minerva, we've tried everything, if we want to have any chances of saving him we have to try something different."

The two teachers kept disagreeing all the way to the Hospital Wing where their most worrisome patient was still in the same vegetative state since the end of the battle.

After only three weeks, all the other patients had been well enough to leave, which was surprising enough in itself, but the fight had been so short that it was to be expected. However, the infamous professor Severus Snape had yet to show any signs of life. Just as Dumbledore had said, they had tried everything. He'd been checked for every imaginable curse, even the most unlikely ones, as well as every imaginable form of poison, hex and illness that could have befallen him. But nothing would respond. He was stuck in what Muggles would call a "coma". But the people at Hogwarts had yet to give up on him. Sure, very few students had liked him as a teacher, but he had proven his worth time and time again by spying on Voldemort. Secret at it was, everyone knew about it, and most felt bad for it. Harry especially. He had hated the man for so many years only to find out that he had been risking life and limb on countless occasions to give the Order the best odds possible.

As our two professors finally made it to the Hospital Wing, they noticed at once that something was wrong. Poppy was waiting for them anxiously at the door, wringing her hands in obvious distressed. Albus and Minerva hurried forward, fearing the worse.

"Albus! Minerva! Something's happened!"

* * *

Lying quietly on her bed, Hermione brooded, staring off into space as she though deeply about an unpleasant subject. There was no logical reason why Severus hadn't woken up yet. There wasn't either any logical reason for her to be calling him Severus, as technically she was still his student, but that was beside the point. She still stayed up late at night, reading any medical book she could get her hands on. She'd become Madam Pomfrey's unofficial assistant in the case of her Potions professor. They'd talk over the most likely reasons for his coma and what were the best ways to treat him. But he wasn't responding to anything. He wasn't even getting worse. And although that wouldn't have been a good thing, it would have given them some clue as to what was going on.

And so as Hermione kept brooding, she slowly and lazily raised her arm and looked at her watch.

8:35

She sighed, for no obvious reason, but because it seemed the right thing to do at the moment. It frustrated Hermione to no end that she wasn't able to come up with the solution to his problem. She'd thought of everything, she was sure of it, thinking over everything he had ever told her, especially about the curse of the Mark. But nothing made sense, nothing led to anything and it seemed they were out of options. All that was left was waiting, and that wasn't something that appealed to her at all.

8:40

Hermione figured that visiting wouldn't hurt, and so, with a heavy heart, she slowly made her way to the Hospital Wing.

* * *

"What is it Poppy?" Dumbledore asked worriedly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"It's Severus, he woke up!"

"That's fantastic!" replied Minerva cheerfully. However, the other witch didn't seem to share her enthusiasm.

"Tell us what happened, my dear." Albus stared at her gently but at the same time his look reminded her of the importance of the situation.

"I was in my office you see, just going over some paper work, when I heard someone call for me. Naturally I recognized his voice but I hardly dared hope it was him. He sounded very upset so I hurried over and... Oh dear!"

"What is it?" Minerva asked, obviously impatient. But Dumbledore stared pointedly at her and tapped Pomfrey's shoulder gently to get her to calm down.

"It's alright Poppy, everything's going to be okay. There's nothing to worry about, just tell us what happened." It was uncommon for the medi-witch to be so upset, usually she was the one reassuring people that it would be okay. Obviously whatever had happened was very serious, or she wouldn't be that upset.

"He was sitting up in his bed and... oh Albus, I've never seen anyone so _scared_. He looked absolutely terrified, and I couldn't do anything for him! He just looked at me and asked what happened to him. I didn't know what to say and he fell back in his bed before I could open my mouth!"

Without another word they all hurried into the room to see the patient in question. He looked just the same as he had before, just as still and just as lifeless. But Dumbledore was noticing something different. He narrowed his eyes and placed his hand above the man's face, waiting. Finally he drew back his arm and turned to the two women behind him.

"What is it Albus?" Minerva didn't like the look on his face at all.

"I'm afraid I know what's wrong with him. And no one's going to like it."

* * *

As Hermione walked through the corridors on her way to the Hospital Wing, she paused to watch the sunset over the lake. It was one of the most beautiful ones she had ever seen. The sun was now nothing but a small dot on the horizon, its last rays reflected on the still waters of the lake. The small but numerous clouds were full of orange, pink, yellow and dark red shades. The sky was constantly changing colour as well, going quickly from bright orange to dark red and finally, as the sun set, to a dark grey.

Hermione stayed at the window a while longer, wondering what the future had in store for her. Come September, she would be studying at England's renowned University of Magic. There she would learn more about Charms, in hope of one day teaching the subject at Hogwarts. She was most disappointed to be leaving what had been her home for the last seven years, but she knew that she would come back. Hogwarts would be her home once again.

But would it be the same without Severus? She had to admit, to herself at least, that he was one of the reasons she wanted to come back to Hogwarts. It simply wouldn't be the same without him...

Deciding not to dwell on it, Hermione turned away from the window, and the still darkness outside.

When she finally arrived at the Hospital Wing, she knew instantly that something was wrong. Madam Pomfrey was holding on tightly to Professor McGonnagall who looked discouraged. Dumbledore as well looked miserable, and that's what worried her the most.

"What happened?" she asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

"He's not dead Hermione, but I'm afraid he's not much better off."

* * *

Severus knew what had happened to him as soon as he had woken up. He just knew. But he didn't want to believe it. It hardly seemed possible. Besides, following all logic, he was supposed to be dead. Obviously something had interfered in the Dark Mark's curse. Under different circumstances, he might have dwelled on it, but it didn't seem to matter at the moment, there were more important things to worry about. Like the fact that the life he had lived until that moment had come to an end, that he would never be the same again. As far as he was concerned, it had never happened to a wizard before, and with good reason. No one should have to suffer something like that.

And so as Severus drifted once more into unconsciousness, only one thing was on his mind.

_I'm a Muggle..._


End file.
